Where is the Awkward Man? Part 1 – The Introvert

Awkward Post [21.02]

Where has the Awkward Man been?

Well, to tell you the truth, kicking off a blog has been more challenging than I initially thought it would be.

I’ve spent many hours pecking away at the keyboard, and if this laptop were an old-school typewriter, I would be sitting atop a mountain of crumpled-up pieces of paper and incomplete drafts.

What is strange is out of nowhere, I have developed anxiety when it is time to publish something. I worry about things like this… Do I have typos? (probably) What about my grammar? (it’s not perfect) Is this topic dumb? (could be) Will I offend someone? (hope not)

It could be that the writing I’ve been doing more recently has been more introspective and opinionated than the topics I’ve written about to this point. I think the latter is what gives me the most pause when it comes time to publish.

You see, I’m not a person who speaks my opinions out loud too often. I’m a get-a-long kind of guy, and I’m happiest when everyone around me is also happy. Some might even call me a conflict avoider.

Something a supervisor of mine said to me many years ago in a performance evaluation comes to mind. At the time, I was a Software Engineer contemplating exploring leadership opportunities in the organization.

During this conversation, he told me that he thought of me as a “smoother.” I had never heard this term before, and I’m reasonably certain it’s just something he made up, but he saw this as a positive personality trait. At least, in my case that’s how he was selling it.

As he went into more detail about what he meant, I realized that he actually had a pretty accurate understanding of my personality.

The point he was making was that he saw me as someone who helps maintain an even keel. That during tense situations, my calmness helps the team remain positive and move forward.

In a complex, high-stress work environment, this can be a good thing. A laid-back and positive personality can be a calming influence on the people around you.

At least, that is generally the case. Some people confuse being laid back and calm with being aloof, slow, or not acting with a high enough sense of “urgency.” Which can be pretty frustrating…

As I reflect on this conversation, the negative side of my brain thinks that he was trying to find a polite way to spin the fact that I am non-confrontational.

Non-confrontational… I think this pretty much sums up my life…

I honestly have to work really hard to get to the point where I can even “respectfully disagree” with someone. In conversations where my personal opinions may not align with the person I am speaking with, I will politely nod and smile to avoid debate or potential conflict.

Interestingly, I give the same smile and nod response when I’ve asked someone to repeat what they’ve said multiple times, and I don’t want to admit I still can’t hear what they are talking about.

Ok focus…

Ultimately, what I’m saying is, when I write an opinionated post – the “smoother” mentality pops in, and I begin to worry about who I might offend or who might not like what I have to say… and then the post dies on the vine.

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Over the past couple of months, I have been writing a post about the realization that I am now “middle-aged.” The post was getting really, really long, spanning several different topics, so I decided to break it up into a multi-part series of more focused posts.

This first part in the series is not the first thing I was writing about and is not necessarily about being middle-aged. It’s just something that sort of started flowing out during the writing process, and it seemed like as good of a place to start as any.

So with that, let’s get to it.

The Akward man is probably not going to be the life of a party…

I intentionally titled this blog “The Awkward Man” for a couple of reasons.

The first reason was anonymity. A pen name or persona, if you will. A tiny shield to help put my thoughts out there but not necessarily shout my name out to the world.

The second reason is branding. This “Awkward” brand (if there is such a thing) represents the atypical man. The guy who only checks a few of the boxes when you list out the stereotypical qualities the “All American Man.”

The Awkward Man is most likely a bit of an introvert (as you will read more about). He is also not your Type-A or alpha male personality.

The Akward Man is probably not going to be the life of a party and may even avoid crowds and social events.

The Awkward Man is intrigued by many things, which often results in taking on more hobbies than are sustainable. Beer making, photography, gardening, aquariums, and blogs, for example.

The Awkward Man may be fascinated with “odd” things such as a collection of garden gnomes…

I should have known that I was an introvert years ago.

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Life of an Introvert…

I should have known that I was an introvert years ago. I think part of what has caused the confusion for me is that I was not the “stereotypical” introvert. At least I don’t think I was. In my mind, I carried a balance of my social and anti-social behaviors.

You see, I had many friends. I got along with pretty much everybody (see non-confrontational above). I wasn’t the popular kid, though. I think I was what you call a “floater,” drifting from group to group but not really ever belonging to a particular social group. At any point, I really only had a couple of “close” friends who I felt comfortable confiding in.

I enjoyed social activities at school. I don’t remember ever skipping the opportunity to attend a high school dance or sporting event. I enjoyed going to those things. I think the difference was how often I did (or didn’t do) non-organized social activities.

Often, I would hear kids talking about fun things they did over the summers or on the weekends, and I typically was not there. I was probably working or at home. Which I didn’t mind – I’m not complaining or regretful that I didn’t do those things as often.

I did do things. I went to concerts, loved playing baseball, and I had a girlfriend who turned out to be the love of my life, and I still have her today. What was she thinking? LOL. So I can’t say that I was a total recluse.

One of the memories that stands out the most to me was a ride on the team bus to an away basketball game. I had my nose in a book and had been reading most of the trip. A friend of mine was encouraging me to put the book down, and I just wouldn’t.

I wanted to “hide” in my book rather than goof off and joke around with the guys. I didn’t think of it as hiding at the time, as I simply wanted to finish the book I was reading, but I think it’s quite possible that maybe I was hiding or at least avoiding social interaction.

Reading was a favorite pastime of mine when I was younger. I would spend hours in my room reading books by Stephen King, Tolkien, and John Grisham. Those were some of my favorites. I had a personal goal to read every Stephen King novel, and I did a good job of keeping up with him back then. Not so much anymore.

I also spent many hours alone in my car, tinkering with the car stereo. I love to figure things out. Just ask my wife how annoying this trait is. If something comes along that I don’t understand, I will deep dive into research mode on Google to learn all I can about the subject. But back in the ’90s, before Google, I had to rely on instruction manuals and a lot of trial and error.

I would sit in my 1978 Chrysler Lebaron, constantly tweaking things. Removing and re-installing the car stereo, adding bigger speakers and amplifiers. My goal was to get the best sounding and loudest bass possible. If the car wasn’t rattling, the bass wasn’t loud enough!

My grandfather, who previously owned the car, was probably rolling in his grave with the thought of me dismantling the car’s dash. He loved his cars and was very particular about them. I’m sure a teenager meddling around with things is the last thing he would have ever dreamed of happening…

Then computers came along, and this significantly changed the trajectory of my life.

I guess you could say computers and technology have significantly altered the lives of everyone. Still, for me particularly, my thoughts of pursuing accounting as my college major morphed into thoughts of pursuing computer science.

I guess that should have been another sign that I was potentially an intovert. Accounting and computer science…

My first computer was an IBM 286 with a whopping 1MB of RAM. You can’t believe how excited I was when I was able to bump it up to 2MB to play this baseball game I had purchased.

That was the story of computers back then—upgrades and constant tweaking.

I enrolled in any computer-related class I possibly could in high school. Eventually I discovered computer programming and this thing called the “internet.”

I remember how confusing the internet was back then. This modem thing was sending all those screechy sounds over the phone lines, and you would connect to some Bulletin Board System.

I remember thinking… I’m connected. Now what?

Eventually, AOL came along, and we were introduced to email and chat rooms. This was all before the world wide web, and I had no clue just how much the world was about to change.

I used to think an introvert was someone who was incapable of functioning well socially.

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So how did I come to realize that I am an introvert, and why is it significant enough for me to be writing about it here?

I think the main reason it is significant enough for me to write about is because of the clarity it has provided me in understanding why I do some of the things I do and how my introverted tendencies affect others around me.

I used to think an introvert was someone who was incapable of functioning well socially. The pocket-protector wearing nerd (remember the movie Revenge of the Nerds) comes to mind, or maybe even a hermit who lives alone in a cabin in the mountains.

I realize those are a couple of generic over-generalizations, but what I’m trying to say is that I feel like there has been a negative stigma associated with people who are introverts rather than understanding that it isn’t necessarily a bad quality.

I made the connection for myself when I was participating in a leadership academy at work a few years ago.

One of the activities in this academy was a personality assessment. The point of the assessment was to understand the various common personality traits people have and to discover which group our own traits fell into.

The outcome of this discovery was to discuss our thoughts on the outcome of the assessment regarding our own personality, discuss communication techniques for interacting with individuals from the various personality groups, and ultimately discuss what we “thought” the personality traits of good leaders commonly were.

I obviously fell into the analytical and introverted category.

This result caused me to start thinking more critically about what it means to be an introvert and if this renders me incapable of being a good leader.

What I discovered is that many great leaders have been introverts.

For me, and I think many others, we traditionally think that one must be “heard” to be in charge. That a leader directs and makes decisions and has a vision for the team to follow. When you look at the military for example it seems that authority creates leaders and people follow a leader based on the given title and the authority associated with the title.

A good read for introverts is the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain, which chronicles many leaders and creators who were introverts. This book, and a few others, combined with my own critical thinking, brought me to the realization that having a “title” does not equal being a good leader.

Personally, I had the misconception that I needed the right job title to prove to myself that I am a leader.

I have learned that leadership lies more in your ability to influence others around you and involves helping and empowering people more than just “bossing” people around. Breaking the misconception that leadership is directly linked to having a “title of authority.”

There could probably be an entire post about what makes a good leader, so I’ll leave it at that for now.

Introverts are social chameleons.

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Introverts are social chameleons. We blend into our surroundings, often trying to go unnoticed. However, when the need arises, we can put on our extrovert hat and do things such as hold a conversation at a dinner party, give presentations at work or enjoy a night out with friends.

Being introverted doesn’t mean you can’t function and communicate. It just means that we have to work harder to do those things, and we often need some downtime to recharge and process information afterward.

My job is a great example of this. Communication is a significant part of what I do. I facilitate meetings, provide leadership within my role, and communicate a lot with co-workers.

In fact, I landed my current role by having the unique combination of technical skills and the capability to communicate well with non-technical business stakeholders. This can be a valuable trait in the software development world as you are often building systems for people who don’t know the details of programming and honestly don’t care to know as long as you build the product they requested.

To give you an example of what it is I do, imagine the process you go through if you hire a contractor to redo the countertops in your kitchen.

Unless you are an engineer who cares about all the annoying details – the only things you most likely care about are things like what color the countertop will be, what surface is most durable, what the cost and levels of quality are.

You don’t care about the types of tools used, or the techniques employed to remove and install the countertops, or what kind of fasteners will be used. You just care that the countertop you specified is built and holds up well, and you trust that the contractor knows how to make that happen.

As a customer, you want someone who can talk countertops in terms you understand. Sure, you may find a contractor who is good at doing this and also good at their work (i.e., that’s me in the software world), but generally, it’s probably rare to find contractors who are good at installing while also good at communicating with the customer.

So if you change countertops out with “software” and contractors out with “software engineers”, you now know what it is I do.

The only real difference is the size of the projects. Instead of countertops, imagine you are building a home or a large structure. I’m the guy who helps figure out what kind of building (software) you want and organizes the work for the contractors (developers) to build.

As you can imagine, performing this job requires a lot of communication. Sometimes I host workshops where we discuss what we want to build and how we want the software to perform. This is not an introvert’s dream. However, I feel like I do a decent job of it. When I do these workshops, I’m just as exhausted at the end of my day as I am from a day of physical labor.

I really do have a dream job. These interactions, while super challenging, are also fun, and I have developed a lot of friendships along the way. Yes, introverts want to have friends too.

The social nature of my job today is a huge shift from the days when I started my career as a software engineer. I probably would have never seen myself in this role 20 years ago.

In my early days, I would put on my headphones and disappear into the world of code. All I needed was to know what to build, when to have it done, and to be left alone to do my job.

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Think you might be an introvert too? Are you married to an introvert and didn’t realize it? Is your child an introvert and you keep pushing them to “come out of their shell” and just end up frustrated?

I think it might be fun to talk about some of the signals from my life that I think signal introvert qualities. You may find that you or your loved one is an introvert by nature, and then once you understand what you are dealing with, you can adjust or manage expectations.

Signal #1 – Lost in thought

How many of you drive your car with the radio on? I’m guessing most. Not us introverts. We can get in the car and simply drive, letting our thoughts carry us away.

We may be reflecting on the day or just thinking random thoughts. Maybe thinking about work and what we could have said or should have said in some uncomfortable situation.

At home, introverts may simply stare off into space and appear disengaged while they are most likely simply lost in their thoughts.

Signal #2 – Wallflower

According to Webster’s dictionary, a wallflower is “a person who from shyness or unpopularity remains on the sidelines of a social activity (such as a dance).” I think it is safe to say that a wallflower is probably quite often an introvert.

In social settings, introverts will gravitate to the sidelines or fringes of the activity. We get anxious when we feel the focus of attention is on us and will often be more comfortable “people-watching”.

Don’t mistake this self-induced seclusion as not wanting to be there.

It’s a weird thing to describe. Despite our inclination to isolate and be alone, we introverts still want to feel connected and included.

While we aren’t the life of the party – we do enjoy being at the party, and if you give us a few drinks, we may even transform into an extrovert for the evening.

Signal #3 – Personal Space

Slightly related to the wallflower signal, but it’s actually different and when I do this it actually drives my wife nuts.

You see, introverts have the ability to isolate themselves within a crowd. We may sit off to the side a bit to have a personal space buffer zone. Close enough to still be connected but far enough away to not feel smothered.

To my wife – this is being anti-social, and she prefers to be close to the group’s center.

Other situations that drive an introvert crazy are crowded elevators, crowded tables at a restaurant, and, oh my god… close-talkers. Those are the worst!

I do this when I go to the gym too. I go to a Crossfit gym and the classes are group sessions. I often find a far corner or a place in the back row to quietly follow along listening to the class conversation but not often jumping in.

Crossfit, for me, is an example of how introverts crave community and inclusion even though they may not overly participate (not the life of the party). I enjoy seeing the class regulars and developing friendships. I’ve met quite a few people over the last 5 years who I would never have met otherwise. These are people who care about my progress in the gym as well as outside of the gym. It’s a truly unique experience.

Signal #4 – Avoid Phone Calls

My experience as an introvert is that phone calls are worse than going to the dentist. If we have the option to email or text, we will do that. We may even return a voice mail with a text. LOL.

Please don’t think your introverted friend, spouse, child, or sibling doesn’t like you. It is not personal, but for some reason talking on the phone can be an exhausting undertaking. I can’t explain why… it just is.

I even have to plan out phone calls to make appointments or inquire about a bill. If I can, I will schedule the appointment online or do an online chat for support. It’s crazy and inefficient at times, and I really can’t explain why.

Signal #5 – Can’t do Small Talk

Talking to an introvert is probably one of the most painful things an extrovert can try to do. For an introvert, even the most simple conversation can be exhausting and stressful. I don’t know why, but it just is.

I even bought a book once about “The Art of Small Talk” to get better at conversations (how about that for a typical introvert thing to do).

Group settings are even worse for introverts to participate in the conversation. Finding a suitable pause in conversation can be nearly impossible, and when we do speak, we feel the pressure of all the eyes in the group now focused on us.

On the flip side, if you talk to an introvert individually, you will likely have a deep, engaging, and meaningful conversation.

The ironic part is that you may find out that once you crack an introvert open, you probably have trouble shutting them up.

When introverts have a captive audience interested in a specific topic interesting to them, they can overwhelm the conversation. Meanwhile, their extrovert friend slowly backs away, looking for an opportunity to escape.

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Conclusion

Well, there you go, all you never wanted to know about introverts. What introvert signals did I miss? Please feel free to share yours with me. I’d love to hear them… just email or text though… don’t call.

The world takes all types of people. If everyone were introverts, it would probably be a pretty dull place. If everyone were extroverts, I’m not sure what kind of chaos would ensue.

No two people are alike, and each person has their own comfort zones, beliefs, likes, and dislikes. I guess that is part of what makes life so interesting. If we didn’t have differences to embrace or get frustrated by then, what would we be left with?

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Please stay tuned for future posts where I take you along my path to acceptance of being a “middle-aged awkward man.”

Up next…. “Part 2 – Life Markers“